A Very Special Stapler

That's okay, I didn't need those 30 seconds of my day I just spent reading this office-wide email.


Subject: Stapler


If you have removed the stapler from my desk (it says Mark) please return it to me.  It has an extremely special meaning to me.

The drama continues!!!!

After the initial email complaint regarding the 23rd floor refrigerator thief, there were a couple of quality "replay-all" emails.

Subject: RE: Missing from 23rd floor refrigerator

 

The shrimp was brought in Monday morning, and I used the mustard yesterday.  I hate to sound petty over a little bit of food, but it's not really a little bit since it's been happening to me for a couple of years now.   The shrimp was about a pound of colossal size - not cheap.  It's not about the food or the money at this point, it's about having people in our office that we can't trust. 

 

Besides - I didn't know until mid-morning and didn't have time to go get it out of the fridge (and didn't think I had to really worry about it), but I got a call from my husband telling me not to eat it, that our dog had peed on it.

 

Nice little jab at the thief at the end. Oh, but there's more. Another investigator responded:

 

Subject: Re: RE: Missing from 23rd floor refrigerator

I cleaned out the refrigerator last Friday and do not recall running into those items.  There were leftover chinese food and a sandwich that seemed like it was there for a while and I threw those out but none of the below items. 

- On Monday when I emailed about the bagel there were no cream cheese there but the one that was provided by Panero

 

Can't make this stuff up.

An Office Whodunit?

There's nothing better than getting an office-wide email complaint about the kitchen. This email was sent to the HR person, but the entire 23rd floor was CC'd.

Subject: Missing from 23rd floor refrigerator

[Name Deleted],

I want to make you aware that personal items are dissapearing daily from the big refrigerator in the 23rd floor kitchen.  Some of the items I know of are:

-  I had a large ziplock bag with my name on it containing cottage cheese, string cheese, jello, apple sauce and an expensive barley used jar of blackbery preserves.  The entire bag went missing late Monday.

-  [Name deleted] had a new container of cream cheese disappear on Monday morning.

-  [Name Deleted] had a container of jumbo shrimp go missing in the last several days. Then today her Dejon mustard which she used yesterday is gone today.

There may be other things missing that I have not heard of.  We are not happy about this and I wanted to let you to know.  Thanks.

There's a thief among us!

The Loud Talker

So, there's this guy that works in my department of the office.  He has the loudest voice I've heard in my life--I regularly hear him through the office walls.  Another thing?  He's always in a fantastic mood, and uses the word "fabulous" like your or me use "ok." 

I'm sitting in my office early in the AM.  My back is to the doorway as I am on the computer.  It's early.  I'm trying to drink my coffee and slowly move into the day.  Did I mention he's sneaky?

HIM:  HEY, GOOD MORNING!!

(I jump, startled, and nearly spill my coffee, then slowly turn around. He's standing in my doorway.)

ME:  Hey man.

HIM:  YOU OKAY?!?  YOU SEEM ANNOYED...

ME:  Nah, I'm cool.  How was your weekend?

HIM: FABULOUS!!  YOURS?!?  DID YOUR DOG DIE OR SOMETHING?!?

ME:  Ha, it was alright.  Nothing exciting I guess. 

HIM:  AWESOME!!  WELL...I'LL STOP ANNOYING YOU NOW.

ME:  Ha!  Whatever man.  Later. 

I then turn back to the computer, and check to make sure my ears aren't bleeding.

Kids do the darndest drugs

This was posted in an elementary school hallway.

First Reader Submission: "Fan" is short for "fanatic"

So, my boss is a huge Auburn fan.  The news just came out that Cam Newton is eligible to play.  I walk by his office and figure this would be a good kiss-ass opportunity.  The plan is that I will simply give him a little "Good for Cam" or "Good for Auburn" pick-me-up as I walk by his office to the water cooler:

ME:  Hey man, just heard the news on Cam.  Sounds like great news.  You gotta be excited, even if they're saying stuff about it maybe not being ov-

HIM: The ONLY dipshits saying it ain't over is the BAMMERS and the dumbasses who have NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT!

ME:  Oh yeah, I feel ya on-

HIM:  These idiots like Mandel just need CRAP to write to people like the BAMMERS to give them more hits on their SITE!!  Listen to this, and YOU tell ME, LISTEN...

(He then turns his back to me and looks at his computer.  There is about a 20 second awkward silence as he has to find the opened NCAA webpage among the plethora of various Auburn messageboards and blogs pulled up on his comptuter.  Finally, he reads aloud, off his computer screen, about 90% of the entire NCAA article from the web... skipping the part that says "based on the information available to the reinstatement staff at this time, we do not have sufficient evidence...."  Then he turns back to me, still standing in the doorway with my water bottle in hand)

HIM:  ...sounds like it is OVER to me??  BASED ON THAT, YOU TELL ME?!

ME: Yeah man, sounds like they just called out Cecil and-

HIM: Damn, right.  He's cleared.  End of story.

ME: (nervously) Well... Good news, man.  I'll talk to you later...

So much for using that as a future small talk conversation starter.

Post #1: An Office Memory

The scene:

It was Friday morning, and I was riding the elevator up to my floor. As the doors open, I enounter a co-worker.

Me: "Good morning."

Co-worker: "Ugggggh it's Friday. Never thought it'd get heeeere."

End of scene.

The last part, for good measure, was said in a sing-songy voice for some unknown reason. I then proceeded to my office to tackle some status reports. The day was off to a good start.